House Rules
(as agreed by the distinguished members of the I.L.R.S)
1. The I.L.R.S is a secret and sacred organisation devoted to the sustained flowing and imbibing of distilled libations. The only thing we chew is the fat, not gum.
2. Any member receiving a drink on another member’s tab must show intent to return the gesture.
3. There shall be no nudity, partial or other, before the hour of midnight.
4. The only thing on the house is the roof.
5. Members who frequent the Lab after a suitable hour will not be guaranteed entrance unless able to present proof of wizardry.
6. As a result of “The Incident”, wax sculpting is banned indefinitely.
7. Discover, but never reveal the secrets of the International Lab Rats Society
8. The only requests the band take are directions to the toilet.
9.
10. Deformation of house coasters will result in unfavourable comments on the members sexual competence.
11. As long as it doesn’t interfere with the happiness of others, do what makes you happy, and ignore the opinions of Instagram.
Picon Punch
Amer Picon, Cognac, Grenadine, Soda
Brought to the USA by Basque immigrants, the Nevada locals say if you hate it at first, after two more you’re either hooked or on the floor. “The first two are the Picon, the third is the punch” – Louis Erreguible, Nevada bar owner and Picon Punch fanatic.
Sea Breeze Cooler
Gin, Apricot, Lemon, Grenadine, Soda
Not to be confused with the modern Sea Breeze, created in the 1990s. This one is much cooler.
Death In The Gulf Stream
Genever, Lime, Sugars, Angostura, Soda
A favourite of Ernest Hemingway who, as a diabetic, preferred his drinks sour. “Reviving and refreshing; cools the blood and inspires renewed interest in food, companions, and life” – Charles H. Baker, The Gentleman’s Companion, 1946.
Queens Park Swizzle
Dark Rum, Lime, Sugars, Mint, Bitters, Chartreuse
Created in the Queen’s Park Hotel in Trinidad. For fans of Mojitos, rum, and ordering obscure sounding drinks in front of your friends so they think you know what you’re talking about.
Peach Thunderbolt
White Rum, Lime, Sugars, Mint, Peach Puree, Angostura
A long-hoarded julep treasure from Old Time Georgia. Charles H. Baker calls it “nectar of the gods … an eyefilling, mild, pleasant debauch of the senses”.
Thor would approve.
Leave It To Me
Gin, Sweet Vermouth, Apricot, Lemon, Grenadine
A slightly fruity and well balanced Martini from the 1920s. Delicious? Definitely. Life-changing? We’ll leave that to you.
Charlie Chaplin
Apricot, Sloe Gin, Lime, Sugars, Foamer
A fruity, bittersweet beverage named after English slapstick comic actor Sir Charles Spencer, this drink was created at the Waldorf-Astoria in New York sometime before 1920. Cheers, Charlie.
Rattlesnake
Rye Whiskey, Lemon, Sugars, Absinthe, Foamer
“So called because it will either cure a rattlesnake bite, or kill rattlesnakes, or make you see them” – Harry Craddock, author, ‘The Savoy Cocktail Book’, 1930.
Diki Diki
Calvados, Swedish Punsch, Grapefruit
Panglima Diki-Diki, beloved 3ft 2in king of the Philippine island of North Ubain, was one of the only monarchs ever permitted to keep his title and status after refusing to submit to the United States.
Lion’s Tail
Bourbon, Lime, Allspice Dram, Sugars, Angostura
The exact creator of this drink is unknown, but it was most likely an American bartender who moved to London because of prohibition. The idiom ‘twisting the lion’s tail’ originated from American Anglophobia during the 1920s and 30s, the lion being a symbol of Britain.
Toredor
Tequila, Lime, Apricot
Although usually thought of as a twist on the classic Margarita, the Toreador actually appeared in the Café Royal Cocktail Book by W. J. Tarling in 1937, 16 years before the first time the Margarita appeared in writing.
Big Boy Cocktail
Cognac, Orange Curacao, Syrup-de-citron
Like a sidecar, but sweeter. Created by famous bootlegger Pajtim Tani Hasa, biggest boy of them all.
A day in the life of an International Lab Rat
A day in the life of an International Lab Rat is often as outrageous as it is appalling. The following extract is from the diary of founding member Panglima Diki-Diki;
11.30am – Rise. Breakfast and indulge in morning papers. Weep at the thought of humanities wastefulness and the continual struggle of the world’s natural resources and beauty.
12.15pm – Rolled cigarette. First cup of coffee. Pour 25ml of Old Forester. Drink neat.
12.45pm – Browse social media for an inordinately long time whilst in a civic restroom.
2pm – Servini’s for lunch. Pint lager, pancake stacks, three halloumi wraps, side of hash browns, onion rings, French fries, another lager pint. Snow Cone to go (3 or 4 jiggers of Wray & Nephew poured over crushed ice, dash Bannane).
3.45pm – I.L.R.S Quarterly meeting. Spend over an hour debating the best white rum for a Daiquri, arrive at same conclusion as the previous 100 times. * El Dorado 3yr
5.30pm – Take selfie, apply filter, and debate which hashtags to post it under. This takes several hours, and 86 rejected filters. #WokeUpLikeThis. 6 Likes.
8.30pm – Arrive at the recognised Home.
8.35pm – Consume second Portobello Road cocktail of the evening, tell self it’s the last, as tomorrow will be a day of marvel, productivity and wonder.
9pm – House band starts. Someone shouts out to ask if they do requests, “Can you play Wonderwall?”, laughing to himself. No one else does. Membership revoked.
9.50pm – Observe lights swinging and grin at the look of confusion upon the faces of several guests.
10.45pm – Overhear society member starting their I.L.R.S tenure order and subsequently reel off the recipe for an overly complex and complicated classic cocktail. He receives a beer and a shot of Wray.
11.30pm – The Bandits finish their set to rapturous applause. Spend a penny before vacating home (Live Lounge).
Atty
Gin, Violette, Dry Vermouth, Absinthe, Peychaud’s Bitters
In 1917, Hugo Ensslin published the recipe for a drink called Attention. It was bad. In 1930 Harry Craddock altered Hugo’s recipe and made the Atty. It was bloody delicious. Like a Martini, but more floral and complex.
Harvard
Cognac, Sweet Vermouth, Angostura Bitters
“Named after a school for young men, whose site is contingious to the Charles River, in a suburb of Boston. Alumni who drunk it sometimes lost the ‘Harvard Accent’” – Albert Stevens Crockett, 1931
De La Louisiane #4
Rye Whiskey, Sweet Vermouth, Benedictine, Absinthe, Peychaud’s Bitters
A twist on a sweet Manhattan, first served in New Orleans’ Restaurant de la Louisiane. Best served with either Creole cuisine or live jazz.
Claridges
Gin, Dry Vermouth, Orange Curacao, Apricot
Created by ‘Leon’, bartender at Claridge’s Hotel, Champs-Elyssées, Paris. Thanks, Leon.
Soyer Au Champagne
Cognac, Maraschino, Grand Marnier, Ice Cream, Prosecco
According to the 1949 edition of Esquire’s Handbook for Hosts, this drink was “one of the most popular drinks at Christmas in the continental café”, but we think you can enjoy it all year round.
Punch a la Romain
Agricol Rum, Pinot, Lemon, Sugars, Fresh Orange Juice, Foamer, Prosecco
The beverage famously consumed between meals on the RMS Titanic. Maybe the captain had a few too many.
The Rum Was Never Gone
The International Lab Rats Society Reconnaissance Collective I.L.R.S.R.C require Pests of sea worthy disposition to aid in the locating and returning of the late Welsh Privateer Henry Morgan’s missing fleet.
Shortly after the anointment of Capt. Morgan as the Governor of the territories of Jamaica, the disgraced Sir Thomas Lynch attacked Port Royal under a letter of marque from the Spanish. Whilst the discredited Sir Thomas Lynch remains at large, the contents and prize of Welsh hero Captain Morgan’s sunken ships must be salvaged from their rumoured depth of 109 fathoms, at a bearing of 022 degrees from Port. For reasons of Society security, the full cargo contents cannot be revealed, but hot whispers of cocoa, pineapple fruit, coconut casings, avocado vegetation and a Rum of remarkable ester count run like wildfire through recognised Homes.
Reading List
FAVOURED LITERATURE FOR I.L.R.S. MEMBERS
Libations
1. Death & Co, Nick Fauchald, Alex Day, David Kaplan
2. The Joy of Mixology, Gary Regan
3. Bar Flies & Cocktails, Harry MacElhone
4. The Savoy Cocktail Book, Harry Craddock
5. Liquid Intelligence, Dave Arnold
6. The Modern Cocktail, Matt Whiley
7. The Art Of Mixology, Love Food
8. Craft Cocktails at Home, Kevin Lui
9. Jigger, Beaker & Glass, Charles H. Baker
10. Schiller’s Liquor Bar, Keith McNally
11. So How’s Your Drink?, Eric Felton
Cuisine
1. Formulas for Flavour, Heston Blumenthal
2. The World Encyclopedia of Cheese, Roz Denny
3. The Drunken Cookbook, Milton Crawford
4. The Hungoevr Cookbook, Milton Crawford
Libations
1. Gentlemen’s Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness, Cecil B. Hartley
2. The Art of Storytelling, John Walsh
3. Savile Row: The Master Tailors of British Bespoke, James Sherwood
Notes
